No Exit JR style
by Ika289
Summary: Miyagi, Takano, and Akihiko are roommates in hell. CRACK FIC based on the existentialist French play 'Huis Clos' by Jean-Paul Sartre. Also written in protest of the rape-is-love trope in BL.
1. Chapter 1

**So, this is DEFINITELY a CRACK FIC**. **If you can't handle me passing some judgement and torturing your favorite character in the name of good fun then please don't read.**

**This is based off the classic French existentialist play **_**Huis Clos**_** (most commonly translated to 'no exit') written by Jean-Paul Sartre, which details his interpretation of hell (I'll let our resident literature professor explain the rest). **

**Sorry if it seems a little abstract, but this book creeped me out so much it's all I picture now when I think of hell. Hopefully you don't have to have read the story to at least get a laugh out of this, and an appreciation for how twisted the existentialists were!**

**Warning: character deaths (I mean, come on. They're in hell, so it was kind of a prerequisite).**

**For the record, I actually like these 3 characters (most of the time), I just want to fuck around with them a little bit because Nakamura's idea of an acceptable plot really pisses me off sometimes... **

**...so yeah, I've taken it upon myself to see these three punished for their crimes at least once in fanfic ******evil laugh****

**You might notice a discerning lack of Hatori, who is even more deserving of an eternity in hell... but, fuck man. I hate that guy so much, there's no **_**way**_** I could write him.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Junjou Romantica or Sekaiichi Hatsukoi, and I certainly don't own Huis Clos...but let's pretend I did for a second and mix them all together...**

No Exit

1.

When Miyagi Yoh came to, he was walking down a plain corridor, staring at the feet of the man in front of him.

"Where am I?" he wondered out loud, stopping dead in his tracks and looking around.

He didn't recognize a thing—not that there was anything in particular to be recognized. The hallway was long and white, with no discernable beginning or end, no pictures hanging on the wall, and no windows. He also didn't recognize the back of the man in front of him, though he looked vaguely familiar.

"Wow...I haven't gotten _this_ drunk since I passed my defense..."

Hearing this, the man in front of him turned around and laughed once, a cruel and humorless bark.

"Finally came around, eh? Took you long enough." He beckoned, malice shooting through his strange reddish eyes, and continued walking, his shaggy hair swishing as he turned. "Come on, Miyagi. You've got places to be."

Miyagi followed obediently, partly because he didn't see another option in particular.

"Umm, sorry to be rude, but who are you?" he asked.

The man looked over his shoulder and smirked. "You can call me 'the valet.'"

"The valet?" Miyagi asked skeptically. The valet didn't slow, and didn't turn around again. "Are you sure... hey, do I know you from somewhere?"

The valet's shoulders twitched and he only briefly looked back, brows knotted in a scowl. "Trust me, we haven't met before."

"I feel like you remind me of someone. It's ok...it'll come to me," Miyagi said, jogging a bit to keep up as the other man increased his pace. "Hey, can we slow down?" he panted. The valet didn't even acknowledge him this time.

"Listen, I'm really not trying to be rude here, but would you mind telling me where the hell I am?" Miyagi demanded, more angrily.

Abruptly, the valet stopped. As Miyagi threw on the brakes, he noticed they had come to a halt in front of a door to a room. They both stepped inside. The room was relatively small, with plain white walls and a raised futon in one corner. On a small side table was a large woodcarving of a bear holding a salmon.

"How funny you should ask," the valet said, grinning wickedly as Miyagi gazed around in confusion. "_Hell_ is exactly where you are."


	2. Chapter 2

2.

"Hell?" Miyagi repeated.

The valet's smile stretched wider; he was clearly enjoying himself.

"That's right."

"But... but I'm not even dead!" Miyagi protested. "Surely I would have remembered something that, uh, life changing. No pun intended."

"Oh, that's right." The valet's smile suddenly dropped from his face, and he looked pensive. "You died in your sleep, so you won't remember."

Miyagi yelped. "I died in my sleep! What the hell...I'm only 35!"

"You accidentally overdosed on Viagra and your heart exploded," the valet said, shrugging.

Suddenly, all Miyagi's memories of the previous night came flooding back to him...his paranoia of not being able to keep up with someone half his age...the shame of his performance failure... his panicked emptying of the pill bottle...

He crossed the room and sat down on the futon, burying his head in his shaking hands.

"I'm dead," he whispered, trying to let it sink in. He looked up hopefully at the valet, who was still standing in the doorway. "And Shinobu?"

"He'll be fine," the valet answered. He checked his watch. "Look, I really can't answer any more questions on the topic."

Miyagi nodded, overwhelmed. "So I'm in hell, eh? Well, I guess I might have seen that coming. What is this...like, torture by solitary confinement?"

A wry smile returned to the valet's face. "Not quite. In fact, I'll be leaving now and returning with your new roommates."

And with that, he exited the room, shutting the door.

Miyagi couldn't help himself—he stood quickly and pushed against the door, sighing heavily when it didn't open. "What were you expecting, old man?" he laughed bitterly to himself. He walked back to the side table and picked up the wood carving, turning it over and inspecting it. It seemed ordinary enough, if not mystifyingly tacky.

Miyagi sat back down on the futon with nothing to do but wait.

xxx


	3. Chapter 3

3.

It was impossible to tell how long had passed before the door opened again—though the valet had checked a wristwatch at one point, Miyagi's own timepiece hadn't seemed to accompany him to the afterlife.

The door opened and the valet entered first, followed warily by a tall man with inky black hair and amber eyes, narrowed in suspicion.

"Are you the torturer?" the man demanded upon seeing Miyagi, who had been reclining on the futon with his hands tucked behind his head.

"Hey now," Miyagi said defensively, scooting quickly so he was sitting upright and waving his hands in the air. "I don't work here! I just got here a few minutes ago! You do...uh...realize where we are, right?"

"I was informed," the other man said coolly, taking in the surroundings with an expression of indifference.

"Right," the valet said, checking his watch. "There's just one more to pick up. I'll return shortly."

He left, shutting the door again.

The newcomer walked around the room very slowly, much like Miyagi had done when he first entered. Miyagi cleared his throat once, deciding he should make polite conversation.

"Hey, does that valet look familiar to you? I've been trying to think of where I've seen him before all day, but I can't remember."

The man had picked up the woodcarving and was turning it over in his hands.

"No," he said shortly.

Silence.

"So...what's your name?" Miyagi asked after a while.

"Takano."

Silence again.

"Look, we should at least be courteous with each other," Miyagi began in an irritated tone. "I don't understand what's going on any more than you do, but I'd wager a guess we'll be in here for a while, so we might as well try to get along."

Takano snorted. "What for? That's the _only_ benefit to being here. I'm free to be as much of a dick as I want now...what are they going to do, send me to hell?"

"You could try to make life a little easier for the rest of us," Miyagi pointed out.

"Life?" Takano threw back his head and laughed.

"You know what I meant."

"Honestly, I can't remember trying to make things 'easier' for anyone even when I _was_ alive," Takano said bluntly.

"You weren't kidding, you are a dick!" Miyagi switched to a teasing tone of voice. In truth, he was finding all the pride in the other man's voice kind of amusing. "What are you in here for, anyways?"

"Nice try," the other man said.

Miyagi felt a leap of glee in his stomach. This might be hell, but there was nothing he enjoyed more than teasing people. He might have pursued the question, but the door suddenly swung open for the third and final time.

xxx


	4. Chapter 4

4.

A silver haired man stepped through the door and surveyed the room regally, rolling up the sleeves on his dress shirt. He had shocking lavender eyes and a large, square jaw.

Miyagi was still sitting on the futon, leaning his elbows on his thighs, while Takano has propped his long body against a wall, arms folded over his chest.

"How boring," the new man drawled. "I was expecting some kinky torture devices, as the very least."

"Hey... I know you!" Miyagi said immediately, standing up. "You're Kamijou's friend... you're Usami Akihiko!"

Takano had remained silent, but his eyes had also narrowed in recognition when the author had crossed the threshold.

"That's correct," Akihiko said, "I recognize you as well, you're Hiroki's senior professor." His eyes fell on Takano. "I don't know you," he said pointedly.

"You're dead?" Miyagi asked, bewildered.

"I was hit by a bus," Akihiko said, wincing. "I'm just glad my beloved Misaki was pulled out of the way by my father."

"There you have it...the third and final roommate," the valet grinned. "Please...make yourselves at home."

"That's it?" Takano barked. "You're just leaving us here? No fire and brimstone?"

The valet only smiled. "So...ground rules. You stay in the room. We used to have a bell that would ring me, but it never worked, so we removed it. And that's pretty much it." He turned to leave, peering haughtily over his shoulder.

"Wait a second! I know who you remind me of!" Miyagi exclaimed suddenly. Seeing the third man enter the room had jogged his memory. "You look exactly like my assistant professor!"

"Huh?" the valet scowled in puzzled exasperation.

"You're right Miyagi, when he does that the resemblance is remarkable," Akihiko conceded, nodding and smirking his amusement.

The valet blushed and slammed the door.

And that, my friends, was the first time a demon had ever been compared to Kamijou Hiroki.

xxx


	5. Chapter 5

5.

"How strange that the three of us are here together," Miyagi said uneasily. Akihiko nodded absentmindedly. "Takano thought I was the executioner when he first walked in."

"Well, he was expecting the same thing," Takano pointed out. "Didn't he say he wished there were torture devices?"

"Yeah, why were you hoping for those?" Miyagi asked, disturbed.

"I was thinking of 'torture kink' as a theme for my next BL novel," Akihiko. "Not that it could ever be published now, I suppose."

"Like 50 Shades of Grey*?" Miyagi asked. Takano rolled his eyes. "What! Shinobu reads them."

Akihiko shuddered. "NOTHING like 50 Shades of Grey. Seriously, worst porn I've EVER READ."

There was silence while Akihiko took his turn walking around the room. He paused when he reached the woodcarving, but didn't touch it. He tried the door. It didn't open.

"So, what do you think the 'hell' part is?" Miyagi asked sincerely. "I don't feel any different."

"Haven't you noticed?" Akihiko answered. "It's impossible to shut your eyes completely."

Miyagi immediately tried it and realized to his horror that the other man was right—while he could squint a tiny bit, his eyes simply would not close.

Takano had evidently discovered the same thing.

"WHAT THE HELL?" he suddenly exploded in outrage. "Do you have ANY IDEA how LITTLE SLEEP I got in my past life?"

Akihiko was also looking irritated.

"Please," he scoffed. "You have no idea."

"Just what the fuck did you do that was so bad!" Takano snapped, still fuming.

"I was an author," Akihiko answered smoothly. "My sleep schedule was slave to the creative spirit."

"An author! You LAZY JACKASS! People like you made my life on earth a living hell!" Takano spat at him, eyes glaring daggers.

Miyagi leapt to his feet, prepared to restrain him if necessary. He had never seen anyone flip out so suddenly before. Well, maybe Hiroki. For the first time, Miyagi was grateful for the absence of throw-able books.

"And what, pray tell, was your job?" Akihiko asked, unruffled.

"An editor," Takano growled.

Akihiko had the decency to look a little bit ashamed of himself. "Ah, I see."

Miyagi tried to change the topic.

"Did you say your 'beloved Misaki'?" Miyagi asked Akihiko. The author nodded. "You're gay?"

The author nodded again. "Will that be a source of contention?" he asked.

"No! I'm not prejudiced at all! That is to say...I'm not exactly _gay_, per say, but well, Hiroki was...you know...and I was actually dating a man before I...you know... so yeah."

Akihiko rolled his eyes. They both turned to look at the tall black-haired man, who had laughed sharply at this.

"He's definitely gay," Akihiko commented, jerking his head towards Takano. "Don't even need to ask."

"I'm standing right here, asshole," Takano growled.

xxx

***No disrespect, but if those books are bestsellers, then Don't Preach-sensei is the next Rowling.**

**Reviews, and you'll find out how Takano died in the next chapter :D**


	6. Chapter 6

6.

"Sensei, you were hit by a bus?" Miyagi asked.

"Yes," Akihiko said. "Not as glamorous as I'd like, but at least it was quick."

"I got injured and accidentally overdosed on painkillers," Miyagi quickly invented. "How about you, Takano-san?"

Fear flashed across Takano's face.

"It was horrible," he said quietly. "I don't want to think about it."

"What happened?" Akihiko asked curiously.

"I was murdered by one of my coworkers," he finally admitted, shivering. "One of the editors under me just snapped one day when I was yelling at him about his author's story boards." Takano swallowed hard and continued, haltingly. "He stabbed me over and over again with a box cutter...he was smiling the whole time. His name was Mino, and we all always thought he was a nice guy...I mean, I always got this creepy vibe, but I was just joking when I warned people not to piss him off..."

"One of your editors murdered you?" Miyagi asked in disbelief. "You must have been absolutely miserable to work for!"

"Well, that story board was TERRIBLE!" Takano snapped defensively. "I don't care if I'm dead or not, if they put it in next month's issue, I'm coming back from the grave to kick someone's ass."

xxx

**Thanks for all the follows! I'd love to hear from you though. 3 more chapters left.**

**A special thanks to damons-hot-as-hell, who always laughs at my jokes :D.**


	7. Chapter 7

7.

For the second time since entering the room, there was some memory itching at the back of Miyagi's mind. He felt a strange sense of déjà vu when he surveyed the room and his eyes were met with nothing but the futon, the bear-and-salmon woodcarving, and his three roommates.

Suddenly, he sat straight up.

"That's it!" he gasped.

"What?" Takano asked, his expression pissed off.

"Have any of you ever read 'No exit,' by Jean-Paul Sartre? French existentialist? I read a translation as an undergrad when I studied abroad."

"I vaguely remember reading it in French," Akihiko nodded. "But if there was no gay smut, the story tends to slip through my memory."

"Actually, I think one of the main characters was a lesbian," Miyagi paused to consider. "But that's besides the point." He turned. "Takano? You've read it, right?"

"Was it made into an anime?" he asked in a bored tone.

"No...sheesh! A novelist and an editor-in-chief, and you guys haven't even read the classics? Pathetic!"

"Did you have a point, professor?" Akihiko asked.

"In the story, his vision of hell is these three people locked in a room for all eternity. None of them have eyelids, so they can't blink. The room was just like this one...just, decorated in the Second-Empire French style, but I guess they gave us a futon 'cause we're Japanese...and they had a bronze statue, not that ridiculous woodcarving...who even knows what the hell that's about..."

"And?" Takano asked impatiently. "Was there a point?"

"Umm...I can't remember. All I remember is that it was these two girls and a guy... and they all sit around telling each other about how they died and whatever... I think the guy died in the war?"

Akihiko and Takano shook their heads in disappointment.

"What? That was a semester of heavy partying for me," Miyagi protested. "My final paper was slightly more profound, I promise."

"Useless people will always be useless," Takano growled, tipping his head back in exasperation and staring at the ceiling. "Damn it, if I could only close my eyes!"

xxx

**My apologies to anyone still reading for the delay in updating...will finish posting the story this week :D. Things are about to get hellish!**


	8. Chapter 8

**JUDGMENT AHEAD. If you think Takano/Akihiko are seme gods who can do no wrong, just skip this chapter, ok?**

8.

"Let's just get it all out on the table," Miyagi proposed. "Why are we here? I think if we're going to spend an eternity together we might as well know who we're dealing with."

The two glared at him.

"You know, he's really starting to get on my nerves," Akihiko said to Takano, who inclined his head in agreement.

"Hmmph," Miyagi huffed. "Fine...I'll go first. I had sex with a minor. There."

He mistook the other's silence as judgment.

"Look...I didn't ask for it! It really wasn't my fault!" he explained frantically. "Shinobu was going on and on about destiny...I knew it was a mistake, though...I'm a professor after all, and that brat was the dean's son, not to mention my ex-wife's little brother..."

"That would have made a pretty good Junai novel," Akihiko mused.

"But it was consensual?" Takano asked.

"Of course!" Miyagi said defensively. "Other than that time that I..."

"Yes?" the editor urged, looking interested for the first time.

"I was trying to play a trick and it backfired on me," Miyagi confessed. "Why so curious, you creep? What did you do?"

"Sexual harassment at work," Takano said indifferently. "Personally, I think I deserved employee of the month."

"I know, right? Some people can't take a joke!" Miyagi agreed.

"Oh, and I raped my ex-boyfriend when he was drunk. But that shouldn't count, because I know deep down he really wanted it," Takano added.

Miyagi cringed. "You're awful!"

"Hey, at least he was old enough to legally not give consent," Takano smirked.

"I'm not sure which is worse," the professor shuddered. "What about you, sensei?"

"I win," Akihiko answered immediately. "Sexually molesting a minor. Bonus points for him being my best friend's little brother. But, I love Misaki, so that makes it ok. I think there's some sort of mistake, I definitely don't belong in hell."

"Absolutely." Takano was nodding his agreement.

"Good grief, I need a cigarette," Miyagi said, putting his head in between his hands.

"Now that you mention it, I could use one too," Akihiko seconded.

"Same," Takano added.

All three men looked around at the sparse and decidedly nicotine-free room and groaned simultaneously.

"This place is getting worse by the second," Takano growled.

xxx

"So I was thinking..." Miyagi began.

"ENOUGH!" Takano roared. "Don't you EVER shut up?"

Miyagi chose to ignore him. He was somewhat immune to yelling after sharing an office with Hiroki.

"I just wanted—hey, OW!"

Takano had seized the wooden bear carving from the side table and chucked it across the room with surprisingly good aim, striking Miyagi square in the forehead.

Miyagi raised his hand to his throbbing temple, expecting to feel blood. His skin came away clean.

"You really clocked me there," Miyagi said in a wounded tone.

Akihiko was leaning closer to inspect Miyagi's head. "A blow like that could have killed you."

Takano chuckled dangerously. "Why am I the only one who seems to remember we're _already dead_?"

xxx

**I mean, I obviously read the manga and enjoyed it enough to devote some energy writing fan fiction...but seriously, this whole "rape-is-love" thing is ABSURD. As I was reading, I really felt like I enjoyed the story **_**in spite of**_** these moments as opposed to **_**because**_** of them. C'mon Nakamura, I get it, you've got a formula that works...but if you made the sex consensual then maybe all your other drama devices (age difference/professional relationship/struggle with identity) wouldn't make it seem so much like one person taking advantage of another.**

**Anybody out there agree?**

**Anyways, that's my rant for the day. A serious note on a crack fic of a story :) and yes, I understand that it's a little hypocritical of me to hate on Nakamura while simultaneously reading her stories and liking them... but hey, like any good reader, I believe there's no true enjoyment without thinking critically...which, in turn, allows for some criticism.**

**Next chapter is the last, friends :) If I've kept your attention for this long, maybe I can hold it for one more by promising that Akihiko has a melt down.**


	9. Chapter 9

9.

"I'm bored," Miyagi said, staring blankly into space.

"I'm _horny_," Akihiko growled in frustration.

"YES," Takano answered immediately.

"Finally! Something we can agree on!" Miyagi exclaimed.

The three men looked at each other, seeing the sexual frustration mirrored in the others eyes.

"Did anyone else just get an idea of how to spend eternity?" Takano asked, smirking.

Akihiko's eyes lit up. "Well, since we're all gay, I don't see any reason why we can't make that work."

Miyagi gave his companions a once over. "Not my first choices, but seeing as we're stuck here and you're both reasonably attractive, I suppose you'll have to do."

Akihiko had been seated next to Takano on the futon while Miyagi was pacing the room. The author immediately shifted his body, pinning the editor to the cushion and straddling him.

"No time like the present," he purred happily as he moved to shove his hand down the other man's pants.

Takano's knee caught Akihiko square in the chest as he pushed the man off him.

"What the _hell_?" he growled. "Did you think I was a goddamn _uke_? Get off me, you bastard!"

Akihiko was looking shocked to have encountered a man with enough upper body strength to resist his advances.

"Well _I'm_ not bottoming," he retorted.

They both turned to look at Miyagi, identical expressions of hunger on their faces.

"Not happening," Miyagi shook his head, for once turning off the joking tone of voice and getting deadly serious. "I'm a seme, through and through."

Akihiko was the first to realize the implications.

"You mean...all three of us...are semes?" the author asked, panic creeping into his voice.

"Neither of you are willing to compromise on this?" Takano asked desperately.

"You first," Miyagi growled.

There was a very long silence as the situation sunk in.

Finally, the editor-in-chief broke it.

"So this is hell...no cigarettes...and no...ukes?" Takano said slowly, horrified.

Akihiko suddenly stood up and ran for the door. To his surprise, it flung open. He threw his body at the threshold, but it immediately made contact with an invisible barrier, preventing him from leaving. He sunk to the ground, banging his fists into the floor.

"THIS IS THE WORST FATE IMAGINABLE!" he cursed, his voice hysterical.

Miyagi suddenly remembered the rest of the story—that each inhabitant of the room was perfectly matched to annoy the shit out of their eternally damned roommates.

"_L'enfer, c'est les autres_," he whispered, dread dawning on him. "Hell...it's the others!"

_Le Fin_

**Well, that's it my friends :D. Thanks for reading, and thanks especially for the reviews/PMs for the last chapter. To quote my favorite: "Misaki later claiming that he would have left Usagi if he truly felt violated isn't called love...that's called Stolkholm Syndrome."**

**I'd love to hear how you liked the ending!**

**I am sadly leaving the fandom for a very, very long time at the end of September (I got a new job and will be moving somewhere with no internet). I've really enjoyed writing and hearing from you...and most of all, reading other people's stories.**

**I'm hoping to post one last story before switching off my wireless...for anyone who's read my other stories, it's a sequel to Hiyori Goes to College :D.**

**ika**


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